Authenticity

 Maybe you are searching among the branches for what only appears in the roots  Unknown

                                                                                   

    

Any life change requires authenticity and self-questioning.  Where am I at today and what needs to change are good places to start.

Where I am today?

Positives: great family and friends, financial stability, creativity in art and writing, empty nester, free time (semi-retired).

Negatives: unhealthy weight, multiple sclerosis (although doing great), I may not be social enough according to research data, a little worried I will have enough money to retire and leave some money for my kids

What needs to change? Improve health

Overall, I feel really good about my life.  The one thing that needs to change is my weight. Weighing 230 pounds and 5 feet 9 inches puts me in the obese category. Having multiple sclerosis and being obese will not allow me to age well.

I have been an emotional eater since I was eleven years old.  I grew up in a home with violence and abuse.  Wounds that remain long after leaving an abusive childhood are fear, secrecy and shame.  Shame for having grown up in abuse and feeling defective and abnormal because of it.  Fear of being emotionally vulnerable because safety and security were not there as a child. Secrecy to preserve the family façade.  To cope with fear, shame and secrecy I ate to numb the emotions that I had no idea how to cope with.

As an adult I went out into the world with a determination to create a "normal" life. Not having experienced "normal" I attempted to design what I thought a family was, enter perfection.  Perfection subtly kept me tied to secrecy, shame and fear.  Fear I would be "found out" for not being perfect.  It's funny how we are drawn to feelings like fear and shame even though they are not what we want, they are familiar. 

Grace entered my life in the form of some hard hits to the solar plexus moving me out of perfection and shifting me toward authenticity.  The hardest hits were a 7-year period of infertility, divorce, a diagnosis of multiple sclerosis, a child with depression with a serious suicide attempt and quitting a job after 30 years. I ate myself numb through all of those gut punches because that is how I had coped in the past.  Those punches, even though they took my breath away at the time, allowed release of the ego driven perfectionistic roles I had set for myself. Freedom from perfection the hard ass way. "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose" became my theme song.  Having nothing left to lose-other than the weight and everything to gain I am ready to open myself to whatever Grace presents on this path. 

I've looked at the roots-time to start looking up at the branches to see the sky.

 

Values

 When your values are clear to you, making decisions becomes easier    Roy Disney

                                                 

I have been writing down and thinking about my values for a few years now.  Some of them have been core, unchanging values, and some have been aspirational.

Recently I have done a number of assessments that help define values.  The top two for me were:  Growth and Accomplishment.  I understand growth-its learning and being curious and being open to new ideas.  Accomplishment is a reluctant value.  I can see that it is a value for me because it is part of my daily habit, but I really don't want it to be.  Sometimes we don't choose our values they choose us.  A value I would choose would be health.  Health would be a truly aspirational value because my daily habits are not in alignment with it.

The following have been my core values for a long time.  I used to have health but since that is aspirational have replaced it with accomplishment since that is a core value that has shown up on the assessments.

Spirit-solitude, connection with the divine, prayer, nature, meditation, gratitude

Authenticity- truth in action, intention

Connection-family, friends, community, nature

Contentment- order, organization-home and finances, security

Creativity-expressing through writing, painting, gardening, using my ingenuity

Health-comfortable in my own skin, confident

Kindness-seeing the light in others, accepting others and knowing they are doing their best

I have been working at values through the years.  Assessing, reassessing and making adjustments based on tests and my own growth of character.  I wonder if they will change as I age?

Most of the changes have been wording adjustments such as compassion to kindness.  For some reason the word kindness has more meaning to me then compassion.  Compassion feels global and kindness feels personal.  Since values are personal it feels more authentic.  

Authenticity has been a value for a long time.  I decided to stop hiding my real self.  It took me a long time to determine who my real self was... I was probably late thirties early forties before I felt like I had some grasp of who I was and from that came authenticity and the focus on my values.

Connection has gone by different words-relationship, family and friends.  It has morphed into connection because I need connection to be inclusive of not only family and friends but nature and community.  

I have not always included health in this list but as I age it has become increasingly important.  Funny how an ache or pain here and there can remind you of its importance.  I think even as some aspects of health become tenuous as I age, I want to make the best of what I have.

Safety used to be on my list but that has morphed into contentment.  I thought about what I really need to be content and that does include safety.  It includes things like paid bills, some cushion money in the bank, a reliable (not new) car, order in my home (things tidy and in their place and as beautiful as I can make it), feeling that those I love have my wellbeing at heart.  Along with some pretty simple things like a dog, coffee, flowers and plants.

Spirit has been on my list from the very beginning.  That means my connection to the Great Spirit-God and with my own spirit.  That place in the world that is greater than me yet a part of me.  That has remained a constant for me and is the rock I return to over and over again.  I think it is summed up in the title of the blog-Grit and Grace-that is what has carried me through this world.