Doorway Discomfort

  Discomfort may be a doorway; don't run from it    Joseph Dietch

I am uncomfortable.  I have a vague restless anxiety that is making me feel like I need/must do something.  I have always been a person of action.  "Do something, even if it's wrong" was a favorite quote of my mom's.  I am not completely comfortable without work.  I am not good at living in a state of discomfort.  Every cell in my body is pushing me to fix the discomfort and return to a normal state of being chronically busy.

The point I am at now is that I have tried a few jobs that really didn't work out and I've done everything in my house that needs doing.  Now what?  Now I wait.  I am in the process of doing some research about aging well.  I can't join a gym or anything else out of the house with this latest covid/flu surge and Jack so very little, so I will focus on creativity-crafts, painting and writing.  I am moving toward something, but I really don't know what yet.  I will take care of Jack and I have a feeling that will be something I look back on as a gift I was both able to give and receive.  I will see what works out for me in between taking care of Jack and my parents.  I just have to remember to fit myself in there too, I don't want to lose myself in all of this.

I have always done what was expected of me.  Now that I have an open door and no one pushing me through it I don't know what I want.  A lifetime of meeting others expectations leads to not knowing your own path.  It is time...  It is time...

Thresholds

 The threshold is the place of expectation    Goethe 

Thresholds are a place of entry and exit.  Transitions from one point to another.  We recognize them during the big moments of life like birth and death. Although, I suspect there are many thresholds crossed during the process of living our lives that we pass over unrecognized. 

For me 60 coincided with retirement and my kids leaving home.  A big recognizable threshold, No unseeing this one.  All change, even good change rips away the old and brings either a void or something new.  I feel like I'm in the void at the moment and have been for a couple of years.

I now find I have something I have wished for during all those years of work and motherhood-time.  It is a true gift and I do not want to waste it.  Yes, I've done the big stuff-cleaning closets, a little remodeling some travel but I haven't fount "IT".  That reason to get up in the morning.  The thing that brings joy to me every day.

What happens next, after the great house cleaning of 2021-2022, is going to take a little more time to figure out. I will give myself the freedom to try things and see if they fit.  It's not failure it is a fitting.  No different than trying on pants and looking in the three-way mirror.   During this past couple of years, I have tried working at both Noridian and the library and knew very quickly that it was not what I wanted.  I have also cleaned apartments with my friend and that was a wonderful void filler but not exactly filling my spirit with joy.

For now, I will stand at the threshold and be open...