Begin Again

 Every day is a new opportunity to begin again.  Every day is your birthday  Dalai Lama

 

Every day is a new start.  Every day we are given an opportunity to wake up and do things differently.  In the contrast we find significance.  In this, is a chance to be born again, move in a different direction, Every day.  A chance to do things differently.  An opportunity to choose a new attitude.  A new way of being in the world.  An opportunity...

 I believe the universal pattern was planned to allow us to exercise our choices, free will.  Each morning can be a new choice, a new life.

There are many things that prevent us from seeing that a choice exists.  Each of us has our own drapes that can obstruct our view.  Choices are always present.  They may be hidden behind the curtains of patterns, routine, money, expectation... At times there can be so many curtains they look like a wall.  It takes courage to draw them back and look for the choices behind them.

Never be afraid to make a different choice.  

 

Energy

 If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration   Nikola Tesla

                                              

 

As one who has studied energy work in the Healing Touch program.  I think of our bodies as one giant battery.  We gain, store and discharge energy according to the situation.  Energy loss and gain are very individualized.  Some gain energy from solitude while another person might gain energy from socializing.  Introverts/Extroverts.

I believe we can all agree that living things humans, plants and animals are composed of energy, that is an easy concept.  It becomes a bit more challenging to wrap our heads around solid forms of matter like rocks and earth have energy too.  Stretching our heads even further-thoughts have energy.

On this life walk I wanted to be conscious of physical, emotional and spiritual energy and see if I could corelate energy levels to the effects of varied situations.  Physical: exercise, food, sleep and water.  Emotional: solitude, socialization, isolation. Spiritual: creativity, boredom, TV, social media.

The effects of these things positive and negative are going to be positive for some and negative for others and may be both.  TV for example.  I find TV relaxing in small doses for defined time periods.  Binge watching TV for hours on end I find depressing, and it decreases my energy levels. Gardening is a wonderful energy booster for me.  It ticks so many boxes: solitude, creativity, accomplishment, exercise and beauty.

As a confirmed introvert I find I must have solitude to recharge my battery.  Generally, social situations and large crowds in particular are energetic drains for me.  The flip side of that, I have found, with the pandemic, retirement and living alone is that I need people.  I really do.  I find myself getting lonely.  Which is so odd to say as a self-professed introvert.  That said I need people in small frequencies and small doses, but I do need them-much to my surprise.  

Charges: solitude, nature, healthy food, limited TV, music, creativity, trying new things, beauty, people in small doses, meaningful conversation, learning, exercise, trying something new, drinking water, good healthy food in human amounts, petting my dog.  So many of these things are easy to do and well within my power of choice.  

Drains:  Noise, clutter, negativity, too many people or the wrong people, cocktail party meaningless chit chat, no nutrient food or too much food, making up a story about what other people are thinking of me or of some horrible event that could happen, doing the same thing over and over, phone scrolling, actual crisis such as the health of a family member.  There will always be times when drains occur but looking at this list. So many are actionable or can be limited.  Those times when I can't take action or limit my exposure, I will ask for Grace.

Flavor Vitality Enthusiasm Zest

 If life were predictable it would cease to be life, and be without flavor  Eleanor Roosevelt

                                           

I want my life to have flavor, vitality, enthusiasm.  Not just the food that I eat but the life that I lead.  I don’t want to be on auto pilot.  I want to be engaged in whatever it is I am doing.  Driving, petting my dog, listening to music, washing dishes.  I don’t want to just be moving to the next task.  I want to be aware.  To feel and really be present with all my senses. 

Let me not half slumber through this day.  Let me be awake, alive and taste every moment.  All the flavors, sweet, salty bitter.  They all have their purpose.  If nothing else for contrast.  It is only with contrast that we see more clearly, we see better because of the differences not in spite of them.

Sooooo... the big question, how do I make sure my life has flavor?  I think it is to be more active for one thing.  Don't hesitate, don't always think or over think.  Get out and be physical.  Be IN my body.  Walk, go different places.  Eat at the table and pay attention to my food. Eat different food, not just the same old.  Spend more time listening to music, try different genres.  Read different books.  Talk to people and really listen.   In looking at this list the thing is to use my senses... Look, Listen, Touch, Taste, Smell...  If I do those things and spend less time in my head and not numbing myself, it will give me a richer life.  An inner life is important, but it cannot be at the expense of a full meaningful life.

One of my values is creativity and that includes curiosity.  Try some new things or at the very least do the old things differently.  I can do that. I can challenge myself.  It is through these things: presence, challenge, curiosity, engagement, movement and my senses that I will find the zest I'm looking for. 

 

Authenticity

 Maybe you are searching among the branches for what only appears in the roots  Unknown

                                                                                   

    

Any life change requires authenticity and self-questioning.  Where am I at today and what needs to change are good places to start.

Where I am today?

Positives: great family and friends, financial stability, creativity in art and writing, empty nester, free time (semi-retired).

Negatives: unhealthy weight, multiple sclerosis (although doing great), I may not be social enough according to research data, a little worried I will have enough money to retire and leave some money for my kids

What needs to change? Improve health

Overall, I feel really good about my life.  The one thing that needs to change is my weight. Weighing 230 pounds and 5 feet 9 inches puts me in the obese category. Having multiple sclerosis and being obese will not allow me to age well.

I have been an emotional eater since I was eleven years old.  I grew up in a home with violence and abuse.  Wounds that remain long after leaving an abusive childhood are fear, secrecy and shame.  Shame for having grown up in abuse and feeling defective and abnormal because of it.  Fear of being emotionally vulnerable because safety and security were not there as a child. Secrecy to preserve the family façade.  To cope with fear, shame and secrecy I ate to numb the emotions that I had no idea how to cope with.

As an adult I went out into the world with a determination to create a "normal" life. Not having experienced "normal" I attempted to design what I thought a family was, enter perfection.  Perfection subtly kept me tied to secrecy, shame and fear.  Fear I would be "found out" for not being perfect.  It's funny how we are drawn to feelings like fear and shame even though they are not what we want, they are familiar. 

Grace entered my life in the form of some hard hits to the solar plexus moving me out of perfection and shifting me toward authenticity.  The hardest hits were a 7-year period of infertility, divorce, a diagnosis of multiple sclerosis, a child with depression with a serious suicide attempt and quitting a job after 30 years. I ate myself numb through all of those gut punches because that is how I had coped in the past.  Those punches, even though they took my breath away at the time, allowed release of the ego driven perfectionistic roles I had set for myself. Freedom from perfection the hard ass way. "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose" became my theme song.  Having nothing left to lose-other than the weight and everything to gain I am ready to open myself to whatever Grace presents on this path. 

I've looked at the roots-time to start looking up at the branches to see the sky.

 

Values

 When your values are clear to you, making decisions becomes easier    Roy Disney

                                                 

I have been writing down and thinking about my values for a few years now.  Some of them have been core, unchanging values, and some have been aspirational.

Recently I have done a number of assessments that help define values.  The top two for me were:  Growth and Accomplishment.  I understand growth-its learning and being curious and being open to new ideas.  Accomplishment is a reluctant value.  I can see that it is a value for me because it is part of my daily habit, but I really don't want it to be.  Sometimes we don't choose our values they choose us.  A value I would choose would be health.  Health would be a truly aspirational value because my daily habits are not in alignment with it.

The following have been my core values for a long time.  I used to have health but since that is aspirational have replaced it with accomplishment since that is a core value that has shown up on the assessments.

Spirit-solitude, connection with the divine, prayer, nature, meditation, gratitude

Authenticity- truth in action, intention

Connection-family, friends, community, nature

Contentment- order, organization-home and finances, security

Creativity-expressing through writing, painting, gardening, using my ingenuity

Health-comfortable in my own skin, confident

Kindness-seeing the light in others, accepting others and knowing they are doing their best

I have been working at values through the years.  Assessing, reassessing and making adjustments based on tests and my own growth of character.  I wonder if they will change as I age?

Most of the changes have been wording adjustments such as compassion to kindness.  For some reason the word kindness has more meaning to me then compassion.  Compassion feels global and kindness feels personal.  Since values are personal it feels more authentic.  

Authenticity has been a value for a long time.  I decided to stop hiding my real self.  It took me a long time to determine who my real self was... I was probably late thirties early forties before I felt like I had some grasp of who I was and from that came authenticity and the focus on my values.

Connection has gone by different words-relationship, family and friends.  It has morphed into connection because I need connection to be inclusive of not only family and friends but nature and community.  

I have not always included health in this list but as I age it has become increasingly important.  Funny how an ache or pain here and there can remind you of its importance.  I think even as some aspects of health become tenuous as I age, I want to make the best of what I have.

Safety used to be on my list but that has morphed into contentment.  I thought about what I really need to be content and that does include safety.  It includes things like paid bills, some cushion money in the bank, a reliable (not new) car, order in my home (things tidy and in their place and as beautiful as I can make it), feeling that those I love have my wellbeing at heart.  Along with some pretty simple things like a dog, coffee, flowers and plants.

Spirit has been on my list from the very beginning.  That means my connection to the Great Spirit-God and with my own spirit.  That place in the world that is greater than me yet a part of me.  That has remained a constant for me and is the rock I return to over and over again.  I think it is summed up in the title of the blog-Grit and Grace-that is what has carried me through this world.

Contentment

  If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be.  Now put the foundations under them   Henry David Thoreau, Walden

Contentment is one of my values.  Contentment for me requires financial security, an orderly home and a reliable car.  I require security to feel truly comfortable.  I suppose if my faith were greater, I would not need it, but I do.  I need my bills paid. I need to have a cushion in the bank.  I also include in contentment-making my home and garden as beautiful as I can. This along with some small comforts like a soft blanket, coffee, my dog and a good book are enough to make me purr with contentment.  

In looking at this I can see that being married was a constant stressor for me, it was not in keeping with my value of contentment.  Marriage did not provide the security that I needed in this area.  We never had money, ever.  We never had money in the bank and constantly had unpaid bills.   I had given up the control of my earnings to my husband.  He told me I was bad with money, and I believed him.  In actuality I was bad with money, so he was not completely wrong.  I have learned a lot through the years.  Starting from scratch with my divorce was a BIG learning curve.  I learned to really manage my money at that time.  I think I would have before had I control over it.  Oh, well-it was my own poor decision to relinquish control. 

Live and learn is something I really do live by.  I have done very well.  To be retired at 59 is no small thing and for that I am truly grateful and content.

 

Walking

 Walking is a man's best medicine    Hippocrates

Most pilgrimages require walking so that seems like a good place to start.    It is easy, cheap and requires no special skills.  Walking can be educational, spiritual or relaxing depending on the mood of the day or if walking on the treadmill or outside. 

I generally don't find walking difficult although consistency is tricky.  I am also deconditioned so it does require effort.  I have had so many false starts with exercise programs that I don't want to set a time limit or step count or have any mandates for that matter. I just want to do it.  So why haven't I? I suppose the main reason is that in a way it feels like punishment for being fat.  It shouldn't be difficult, but it is because of the weight.  It requires effort significant effort because of the weight.  It feels like I really have to push my body and because of that it feels like a punishment.  I wonder if I intentionally have more positives in my life if I would feel like it is less a punishment?  Perhaps it is a mindset change?  I have to change my mindset from it being punishment to something I do for myself because I deserve to take time for myself and to be healthy.

I have been reviewing books on aging well.  Walking can:

• Burn calories to lose weight
• Give you a healthy heart
• Regulate blood pressure
• Regulate glucose level
• Lubricate joints
• Boost immune function
• Improve brain function
• Increase lung capacity
• Improve gut function
• Improve mood 
• Reduce stress

Looking at this list there is no downside.  Why am I not doing it?  I have a treadmill in the basement.  I love being outside.  I have not made it a priority.  Am I setting my sights to high?  

That could be it... What is my intention in walking:  to age well, keep a healthy brain, lose weight, get in hiking shape, to look and feel better about myself, be confident and most importantly-feel comfortable in my own skin.

I think this is a Chrystal Starr Weaver moment-"no more trying just do it..."