You have been criticizing yourself for years, try approving of yourself and see what happens. Louise Hay
I didn't want to put anything about weight in this blog/diary/book/mirror, but it is the elephant in the room. I don't feel authentic by not including it. The weight has been such a big part of my life that I have to write about it. I have to. It would not be honest to ignore it. There is no ignoring it any longer. It has taken on a life of its own. It is now the greatest obstacle in my life. It hinders me socially. I stay home and don't attend social events because I am embarrassed by my weight. I have shamed myself.
I have been doing the last supper thing for a while now. You know what that is? You binge-even to the point of eating more than want because you're going to start your diet tomorrow. Then, because it all just sucks, so, so much, you don't start your diet tomorrow and you hate yourself even more. You hate yourself not just for being fat but for lying to yourself, again... How can I say I am an authentic person if I lie to myself all the time?
How do I keep my promises to myself? JUST DO IT. The most profound words I have ever been given came from Crystal Star Weaver, a hippy dippy from Sedona who told me what I needed to hear:
"No more trying.
Just do it.
Keep loving yourself until you really feel it in your heart"
What would happen if I really lived by this? What would happen? I would stop lying to myself because I would be putting in the effort. Just maybe if I stopped lying to myself, I could move to loving myself wholly, at a 10 level and in turn love others at a 10 level. Right now, I don't feel that I can love myself at that level. I realize that is conditional self-love and it makes me uncomfortable. Do you really love yourself if it is conditional? I don't think so. Even worse-am I loving others conditionally-that makes me want to vomit. That is exactly what I don't want to do!
I ask for the Grit and Grace to change my body and my mindset.
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