Authenticity

 Maybe you are searching among the branches for what only appears in the roots  Unknown

                                                                                   

    

Any life change requires authenticity and self-questioning.  Where am I at today and what needs to change are good places to start.

Where I am today?

Positives: great family and friends, financial stability, creativity in art and writing, empty nester, free time (semi-retired).

Negatives: unhealthy weight, multiple sclerosis (although doing great), I may not be social enough according to research data, a little worried I will have enough money to retire and leave some money for my kids

What needs to change? Improve health

Overall, I feel really good about my life.  The one thing that needs to change is my weight. Weighing 230 pounds and 5 feet 9 inches puts me in the obese category. Having multiple sclerosis and being obese will not allow me to age well.

I have been an emotional eater since I was eleven years old.  I grew up in a home with violence and abuse.  Wounds that remain long after leaving an abusive childhood are fear, secrecy and shame.  Shame for having grown up in abuse and feeling defective and abnormal because of it.  Fear of being emotionally vulnerable because safety and security were not there as a child. Secrecy to preserve the family façade.  To cope with fear, shame and secrecy I ate to numb the emotions that I had no idea how to cope with.

As an adult I went out into the world with a determination to create a "normal" life. Not having experienced "normal" I attempted to design what I thought a family was, enter perfection.  Perfection subtly kept me tied to secrecy, shame and fear.  Fear I would be "found out" for not being perfect.  It's funny how we are drawn to feelings like fear and shame even though they are not what we want, they are familiar. 

Grace entered my life in the form of some hard hits to the solar plexus moving me out of perfection and shifting me toward authenticity.  The hardest hits were a 7-year period of infertility, divorce, a diagnosis of multiple sclerosis, a child with depression with a serious suicide attempt and quitting a job after 30 years. I ate myself numb through all of those gut punches because that is how I had coped in the past.  Those punches, even though they took my breath away at the time, allowed release of the ego driven perfectionistic roles I had set for myself. Freedom from perfection the hard ass way. "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose" became my theme song.  Having nothing left to lose-other than the weight and everything to gain I am ready to open myself to whatever Grace presents on this path. 

I've looked at the roots-time to start looking up at the branches to see the sky.

 

Values

 When your values are clear to you, making decisions becomes easier    Roy Disney

                                                 

I have been writing down and thinking about my values for a few years now.  Some of them have been core, unchanging values, and some have been aspirational.

Recently I have done a number of assessments that help define values.  The top two for me were:  Growth and Accomplishment.  I understand growth-its learning and being curious and being open to new ideas.  Accomplishment is a reluctant value.  I can see that it is a value for me because it is part of my daily habit, but I really don't want it to be.  Sometimes we don't choose our values they choose us.  A value I would choose would be health.  Health would be a truly aspirational value because my daily habits are not in alignment with it.

The following have been my core values for a long time.  I used to have health but since that is aspirational have replaced it with accomplishment since that is a core value that has shown up on the assessments.

Spirit-solitude, connection with the divine, prayer, nature, meditation, gratitude

Authenticity- truth in action, intention

Connection-family, friends, community, nature

Contentment- order, organization-home and finances, security

Creativity-expressing through writing, painting, gardening, using my ingenuity

Health-comfortable in my own skin, confident

Kindness-seeing the light in others, accepting others and knowing they are doing their best

I have been working at values through the years.  Assessing, reassessing and making adjustments based on tests and my own growth of character.  I wonder if they will change as I age?

Most of the changes have been wording adjustments such as compassion to kindness.  For some reason the word kindness has more meaning to me then compassion.  Compassion feels global and kindness feels personal.  Since values are personal it feels more authentic.  

Authenticity has been a value for a long time.  I decided to stop hiding my real self.  It took me a long time to determine who my real self was... I was probably late thirties early forties before I felt like I had some grasp of who I was and from that came authenticity and the focus on my values.

Connection has gone by different words-relationship, family and friends.  It has morphed into connection because I need connection to be inclusive of not only family and friends but nature and community.  

I have not always included health in this list but as I age it has become increasingly important.  Funny how an ache or pain here and there can remind you of its importance.  I think even as some aspects of health become tenuous as I age, I want to make the best of what I have.

Safety used to be on my list but that has morphed into contentment.  I thought about what I really need to be content and that does include safety.  It includes things like paid bills, some cushion money in the bank, a reliable (not new) car, order in my home (things tidy and in their place and as beautiful as I can make it), feeling that those I love have my wellbeing at heart.  Along with some pretty simple things like a dog, coffee, flowers and plants.

Spirit has been on my list from the very beginning.  That means my connection to the Great Spirit-God and with my own spirit.  That place in the world that is greater than me yet a part of me.  That has remained a constant for me and is the rock I return to over and over again.  I think it is summed up in the title of the blog-Grit and Grace-that is what has carried me through this world.

Contentment

  If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be.  Now put the foundations under them   Henry David Thoreau, Walden

Contentment is one of my values.  Contentment for me requires financial security, an orderly home and a reliable car.  I require security to feel truly comfortable.  I suppose if my faith were greater, I would not need it, but I do.  I need my bills paid. I need to have a cushion in the bank.  I also include in contentment-making my home and garden as beautiful as I can. This along with some small comforts like a soft blanket, coffee, my dog and a good book are enough to make me purr with contentment.  

In looking at this I can see that being married was a constant stressor for me, it was not in keeping with my value of contentment.  Marriage did not provide the security that I needed in this area.  We never had money, ever.  We never had money in the bank and constantly had unpaid bills.   I had given up the control of my earnings to my husband.  He told me I was bad with money, and I believed him.  In actuality I was bad with money, so he was not completely wrong.  I have learned a lot through the years.  Starting from scratch with my divorce was a BIG learning curve.  I learned to really manage my money at that time.  I think I would have before had I control over it.  Oh, well-it was my own poor decision to relinquish control. 

Live and learn is something I really do live by.  I have done very well.  To be retired at 59 is no small thing and for that I am truly grateful and content.

 

Walking

 Walking is a man's best medicine    Hippocrates

Most pilgrimages require walking so that seems like a good place to start.    It is easy, cheap and requires no special skills.  Walking can be educational, spiritual or relaxing depending on the mood of the day or if walking on the treadmill or outside. 

I generally don't find walking difficult although consistency is tricky.  I am also deconditioned so it does require effort.  I have had so many false starts with exercise programs that I don't want to set a time limit or step count or have any mandates for that matter. I just want to do it.  So why haven't I? I suppose the main reason is that in a way it feels like punishment for being fat.  It shouldn't be difficult, but it is because of the weight.  It requires effort significant effort because of the weight.  It feels like I really have to push my body and because of that it feels like a punishment.  I wonder if I intentionally have more positives in my life if I would feel like it is less a punishment?  Perhaps it is a mindset change?  I have to change my mindset from it being punishment to something I do for myself because I deserve to take time for myself and to be healthy.

I have been reviewing books on aging well.  Walking can:

• Burn calories to lose weight
• Give you a healthy heart
• Regulate blood pressure
• Regulate glucose level
• Lubricate joints
• Boost immune function
• Improve brain function
• Increase lung capacity
• Improve gut function
• Improve mood 
• Reduce stress

Looking at this list there is no downside.  Why am I not doing it?  I have a treadmill in the basement.  I love being outside.  I have not made it a priority.  Am I setting my sights to high?  

That could be it... What is my intention in walking:  to age well, keep a healthy brain, lose weight, get in hiking shape, to look and feel better about myself, be confident and most importantly-feel comfortable in my own skin.

I think this is a Chrystal Starr Weaver moment-"no more trying just do it..."

A Quality Live

 

Thoughts held over time greatly affect all areas of our lives.  The quality of the thoughts we think creates the quality of the lives we live.  Christiane Northrup MD

What does a quality life look like for me?  What do I need and want for a quality life?

• Safety:   I need to know that my children are well.  I need to feel secure about my finances.  Have things paid for and be able to help my children if they need it 
• Connected with Grace:  Prayer, meditation 
• Connection with family and friends:  I need to feel that my relationships are solid and in a good place with friends and family
• Order:  I need to have my finances in good order.  I need to have my home orderly and tidy
• Gratitude:  I write down what I am grateful for every day, so I remember, this improves the quality of my days and therefor my life
• Authenticity:  I need to be honest with myself and those around me, I need to feel like I am living from and offering others truth
• Intention-being very clear about why I am doing the things that I do
• Attitude-show your wisdom not your scars
• Solitude:  I need time to myself to read and think and pray.  To sort things out in my own mind. To energize
• Something to look forward to:  This can be big or small.  Just knowing something is upcoming that I want or will bring me comfort.  It can be big like a vacation or knowing that I an going to do the wash and have clean sheets on Friday
• Healthy: To feel healthy and energetic
• Nature: Be it the garden or a walk by the coulee.  To be in Nature makes me feel present and at home.  It gives me comfort
• Contributing: I need to feel that I am making someone else life better in some way
• Creativity:  Making something.  Painting, writing, crafting, learning
• Dogs:  I will always have a dog.  They add warmth to my life
• Books:  Books give me comfort, knowledge, escape...they have added to my life in so many ways
• Curiosity: Doing and trying new things.  Learning new things.  Anything from a vacation to a new food.  Doing something different.
• Confident:  To feel confident in myself and in my own skin
• Beauty:  Flowers, colors, nature
• Learning:  I have a natural curiosity and love learning new things, classes, skills, ideas

This list may be something I add to over time, but I definitely want to include these to age well and have them be part of my life path.

The Weight

 

You have been criticizing yourself for years, try approving of yourself and see what happens. Louise Hay

 

I didn't want to put anything about weight in this blog/diary/book/mirror, but it is the elephant in the room.  I don't feel authentic by not including it.  The weight has been such a big part of my life that I have to write about it.  I have to.  It would not be honest to ignore it. There is no ignoring it any longer.  It has taken on a life of its own. It is now the greatest obstacle in my life.  It hinders me socially.  I stay home and don't attend social events because I am embarrassed by my weight.  I have shamed myself.

I have been doing the last supper thing for a while now.  You know what that is?  You binge-even to the point of eating more than want because you're going to start your diet tomorrow.  Then, because it all just sucks, so, so much, you don't start your diet tomorrow and you hate yourself even more.  You hate yourself not just for being fat but for lying to yourself, again...  How can I say I am an authentic person if I lie to myself all the time?

How do I keep my promises to myself?  JUST DO IT.  The most profound words I have ever been given came from Crystal Star Weaver, a hippy dippy from Sedona who told me what I needed to hear:

"No more trying.

Just do it.

Keep loving yourself until you really feel it in your heart"

What would happen if I really lived by this?  What would happen?  I would stop lying to myself because I would be putting in the effort.  Just maybe if I stopped lying to myself, I could move to loving myself wholly, at a 10 level and in turn love others at a 10 level.   Right now, I don't feel that I can love myself at that level.  I realize that is conditional self-love and it makes me uncomfortable.  Do you really love yourself if it is conditional?  I don't think so. Even worse-am I loving others conditionally-that makes me want to vomit.  That is exactly what I don't want to do!

I ask for the Grit and Grace to change my body and my mindset.

Growth

 Every moment of one's existence, one is growing into more or retreating into less   Norman Mailer

I want to grow into more and I don't just mean my pants size!

As I am starting and tending seeds this week, I couldn't help but think about growth. I can't say that I have built bridges or saved starving orphans from fire in my life, but I have tried, throughout my whole personhood I have tried to grow as a human being.

I think back when I went to college.  I was completely socially awkward and inept.  I had no social skills.  I didn't have a clue who I was.  I was human Jello, molding myself into whatever I thought anyone wanted me to be. 

I don't know what stirred me to look at personal growth.  I think it started with the desire to fit in better and to learn some social skills.  I am a curious person, and that curiosity has grown as I age.  I believe my growth started by observing other people.  What they thought, how they acted and what they said and did.  A big part of my growth occurred in college. That people could be different from me without being wrong.  Suspending judgment was a big component of my growth.  Holding judgement and being willing to listen to other points of view.  I didn't grow up with that so that was my first big leap.

The second big leap came with being stressed at work.  I got into management which requires dealing with people, so I started reading books and listening to cassette tapes on how to control stress and manage people.  

Another big leap came with unhappiness in my marriage and that led me to look at myself and what role I was playing.  If I had the money, I spent on self-help books through the years I could have retired 5 years earlier.  From those books I began to look at how I grew up and how that formed me as a person.  It allowed me to look at my responses in a different way.  Was I reacting out of a childhood reflex or was I responding as a rational adult who is conscious of my ethics and values and the effect that my action has on others.

It is an evolution for sure.  Each step leading to growth of my character and values.  I know I have grown in compassion and my ability to forgive.  At this point I have moved on from self-help-did that quite some time ago-along with looking for that recipe for happiness.  Now I read books by spiritual leaders and from their ideas put thought into how I can grow as a person of character and compassion both for myself and to share with others. 

So, the question is now, what have I learned that I can translate into action that sparks joy in my life and opens me to give joy to others?  What are action steps within my values that will move me forward?

Spirit-solitude, connection with the divine, prayer, nature, meditation, gratitude

Authenticity- truth, integrity, knowing my intention, being present

Connection-family, friends, community, nature, spirit

Contentment- order, organization-home and finances, security

Creativity- growth, learning interest, adventure

Health- being comfortable in my own skin, strong, vibrant

Kindness- unconditional acceptance, seeing the light in all I meet, knowing others are doing the best they can 

My mission is to connect with Spirit so I in turn live authentically, creatively and vibrantly while offering unconditional acceptance to others.